


I got lost in you (it’s not my fault)

by anenemyanenome



Series: I made a mistake [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Accidental Kissing, First Kiss, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29111298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anenemyanenome/pseuds/anenemyanenome
Summary: Buck forgets himself for a second and accidentally changes everything forever.Or, getting lost in the moment is a real thing
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: I made a mistake [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2136765
Comments: 76
Kudos: 351





	I got lost in you (it’s not my fault)

They’re hanging out at Eddie’s, like they always do. They had dinner with Chris, cleaned the kitchen while Chris did his homework and now they’re sitting on the couch, Chris somewhere in his room playing. They only had one beer each, but Buck is pretty sure that’s how far they’ll go tonight with Chris in the house. 

They’re watching a dumb movie about two friends on a road trip and every time the characters do something stupid they point at the tv and say “that’s you”. Buck’s stomach aches from all the laughter and he’s definitely feeling the strain on his cheeks from smiling so much but he honestly wouldn’t trade this for anything in this world. 

“Dad, I’m ready!”

Eddie has been trying to encourage Chris’ new bout of independence, but Buck has seen how hard it’s been for him. Having to confront the undeniable proof that Chris is growing up and trying to be supportive and encouraging, has been taking a toll on him. Part of their new routine is that Chris goes to bed on his own. He has a tiny alarm clock on his bedside table that warns him when he should start getting ready for bed and he only calls out to Eddie when he feels like he needs help, or when he’s ready and wants Eddie to come say goodnight.

Eddie’s luck is that Chris is a very responsible young boy. He could be using this new routine to get a little extra play time, but from what Eddie has told him, Chris has only pushed it once or twice so far. 

He blames the beer and the soft, warm and light-hearted atmosphere they created this evening for what happens next. 

“I’ll go.” Buck says with a grin as he set his empty bottle on the coffee table and leans in to peck Eddie on the lips affectionately. He’s almost out of the living room when he realizes what he’s done. 

All the warmth and playfulness leave his body in a rush, cold and dread replacing it instead. He turns around with his heart in his throat, not wanting to face Eddie but desperate to see his reaction.

Eddie is staring at him with wide eyes, clearly freaked out. Buck stares back, opening and closing his mouth, at a loss for words. He’s saved for the moment by Chris’ voice coming from the bedroom.

“Helloo? Anybody out there?” God, he loves this kid. His sassiness is bound to become a problem when he becomes a teenager, but for now it’s just hilarious. He shakes himself out of it and heads to Chris’ room. 

He tries to not let the fact that this might be the last time he sees Chris for a while dim his smile. He’s sure Eddie wouldn’t keep him away forever. Would he? His heart clenches painfully. Fuck, what has he done?

He enters Chris room with his hands on his waist and a fake frown. “What is this? Is Mr. Sassy Pants ready for bed? Is that what I’m hearing?” 

Chris giggles and shrieks when Buck follows that with a tickle attack. He ends up accidentally slapping Buck on the face and Buck falls on him exaggeratedly, pretending Chris knocked him out, which sets Chris off on another fit of giggles. Eventually, he calms down, hugging Buck’s head on his chest and asking him for a story. 

Buck milks it for as long as he can, making funny voices and teasing Chris, but it’s not long before Chris’ eyes start to droop and the boy falls asleep. He closes the book and sets it on the bedside table, looking down at Chris with trepidation. How long before he sees him again? 

He leans down and kisses Chris’ curls, his eyes prickling against his will. 

“I love you, kiddo.” He whispers sadly. 

Time to face the music. 

When he reaches the living room, he sees that Eddie is still in the same place on the couch and he knows right then that he has to apologize. 

He sits on the arm of the couch furthest from Eddie and looks down at his feet dejectedly.

“I’m sorry.”

Eddie doesn’t respond right away. Buck crosses his arms and hunches over himself. He can’t believe he just ruined everything. He always wants too much, he asks for too much and people leave. Eddie is going to leave.

“God, Eddie. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”

There’s another silence, then Eddie finally clears his throat but Buck can’t face him. 

“Buck, I don’t- I’m not-” 

He doesn’t have to finish the sentence for Buck to hear him loud and clear. _I don’t feel that way about you. I’m not into men._ And the thing is, Buck _knows_ this. He knows Eddie is straight because they’ve had that conversation, so how did he end up doing something like this anyway?

He clenches his eyes shut. “I know.” His hand raises to run over his face and a shaky breath escapes his lungs. “I know, okay? I know that, I’ve known that, I honestly don’t understand why I just did that, because I know, okay?” 

He chances a look at Eddie. Then has to quickly look up and blink several times to keep the tears from falling. _Eddie is not even looking at him._

His voice is tight when he asks “Are you mad at me?”

Eddie’s response is unsurprising. “I’m... confused.” 

Eddie sounds like he’s trying very hard to keep his voice calm and gentle, which he appreciates, immensely. He doesn’t know what he would do if Eddie started yelling at him right now.

“I’m sorry.” He says again, what else can he do?

“Yeah...”

Anxiety curls around his lungs like a boa constrictor. How did he manage to fuck up so much just by letting his guard down?

“So.. you like me?”

Buck looks at Eddie with an incredulous expression. Is he kidding him?

Eddie shrugs at him like _I don’t know, man. What the fuck do I do here?_

Fuck.

“Can we not do this? Can’t we just forget I did this and never mention it again?” Buck tries pleadingly. 

Eddie looks torn. Like he wants to forget but he also needs to understand.

“I don’t know, man. It depends.”

Buck closes his eyes. Of course. It was never going to be that easy. He opens his eyes again and squares his shoulders. If he’s ready for the blow it won’t hurt as much, right? 

“Depends on what?”

Eddie looks him square in the eye. “On why you did it.”

“I just told you I don’t know why.”

Eddie’s expression very clearly says _don’t play with me._ “Buck.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” 

“I need to know. Is this a closeness thing? Did you get confused? Do you- do you have feelings for me?”

Silence fills the room.

After a minute, Eddie nudges him with his shoe. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why? 

After what feels like an eternity, Buck finally gathers the courage to speak. “I don’t want to answer that.”

Eddie sounds devastated. “Buck..”

“Look, I know you don’t feel the same way. This is not a situation where I’m sitting here waiting for you to have a moment of sudden inspiration and realize you want to be with me. I know I don’t have a chance, I never thought I did but I can’t help how I feel. But I can tell you I’m not expecting anything from you, okay? Being your friend, being here, hanging out with Chris, this is enough, okay? I’m never gonna ask for more. I’m honestly so fucking sorry I did that, I know it’s no excuse but I think it was just a mix of exhaustion and getting lost in the moment. But I promise I’ll never do it again, okay?”

He chances a look at Eddie and immediately regrets it. Eddie looks like he just broke his heart. 

“Buck.” He looks sorry. He looks guilty. 

“Eddie, come on, no. Fuck, this is a mess.” Buck gets up from the couch. “Whatever you’re thinking, please, I promise you it’s fine, just- can we still be friends? Please?”

Eddie looks overwhelmed but he nods. Buck nods too. Relief washes over him like a wave and he crosses his arms again, settled now. “Okay.”

They sit in silence for a few seconds both in their own heads then Buck makes a decision. For his sake and Eddie’s.

“Okay, can I ask you a favor as your friend?”

Eddie clears his throat. “Yeah, anything.”

“I think I need some space. I need to get some distance, I don’t wanna get lost in the moment, in the domesticity, again. What happened today.. it shouldn’t have happened. I- I think I need to stay away for a while so I can get my head on straight.” _Straight_ , hah. “Call me when Chris needs me, but otherwise, I think I need to not be here for a bit.”

He doesn’t look back at Eddie, but he hears him sniff and croak out an affirmative. He’s hurting them both right now. This is all his fault.

Decision made and confirmation received, Buck gets his jacket and leaves feeling like he just detonated a grenade on the best friendship he’s ever had.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m wondering if I should continue this and have Buck start dating other people and Eddie quickly realizing he’s not okay with that, or just leave it like this.. should I?
> 
> Edit: please don’t hate me!! I promise there’s a happy ending! This is part 1 of a series 🙈🙈


End file.
